Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Randomize
