Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
