He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
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