She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
I made him laugh his dick is mine
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Randomize
