i wish my penis had a tongue
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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