apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
