she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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