Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Randomize
