i think my tv is drunk
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
