i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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