all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
