there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
