Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Randomize
