apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
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