Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
