on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
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