Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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