I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I love having hate sex.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
