guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Randomize
