I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Randomize
