i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Randomize
