Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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