put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Randomize
