Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
