theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
i dont even know how to be here
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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