Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Randomize
