if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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