My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
