Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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