Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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