so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Randomize
