I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
