Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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