How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
