the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
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