I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
