god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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