apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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