i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
