i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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