I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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