Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
