Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
