I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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