in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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