please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
