the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
