You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
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