I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
