She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
