Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
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