Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
