i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
we're chasing vodka with high fives
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I just found puke in my bra..
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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