Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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