I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Randomize
