I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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