Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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