She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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