how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
