I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
